Our first members meet-up was about the powerful and empowering Know My Name by Chanel Miller.

‘Know My Name is an intimate, profoundly moving memoir that exposes a patriarchal culture biased to protect perpetrators, a criminal justice system designed to fail the most vulnerable, and ultimately shines with the courage required to move through suffering and live a full and beautiful life. Entwining pain, resilience, and humour, this breath-taking memoir will stand as a modern classic.’

Acknowledging the avoidance and the reason why

As a collective of women, it is important we create a trusting space where we can share our authentic voices and that begins with showing up honestly.

We began by acknowledging that none of us had finished or, in some cases, even some started the book, despite an inner desire to engage.

We were all drawn to and yet struggled with this book because the content is challenging and triggering. In our bodies, individually and collectively, we are carry the fear of violence towards us, particularly the weaponisation of sex against us. Some of us hold life experiences of these traumas in our bodies, and / or the echos of such traumas passed down through the cells and energies of our female forbearers, the resonance of which is still ignited through the stories of other women.

The book took us through the peaks and troughs with Chanel. Like our anxiety and avoidance, we were drawn in and pushed away alongside her, as we followed her navigation of discovering what had happened to her, seeking justice and the ordeal of navigating systems as a mixed-heritage, young, ‘ordinary’ American woman.

Individually and collectively, we feel unsafe in our bodies as women, as sex has been weaponised and exploited to perpetuate that fear, so we remain in the patriarchal status-quo . Engaging in a book that is triggering on physical, psychological or energetic levels is hard and we acknowledged and accepted that together. Bringing this collective shadow to into the light, meant we could release any personal guilt or shame about the way we show up and just be, as we are.

From emily doe to reclaiming chanel miller

Chanel expresses the unseen nature of her existence in this book, from not being offered agency of her story initially as she was kept in ignorance of that had happened to her, to the way she was portrayed in the media. This marked comparison to the man that raped her, Brock Allen Turner, who was portrayed as someone of skill, talent and with potential, whilst she was described as a body and only as Emily Doe, she initially did not exist in her own experience or reality.

Claiming Chanel Miller was an act of being seen, one of agency, strength and courage. So often women are reduced to the sidelines of very real experiences in our societies, not even given the dignity in their trauma to be named. In being seen, she was reduced and dehumanised, the race and class injustices of America highlighted as Chanel, a young mixed-heritage Asian woman, stood opposite Brock, a wealthy, connected, athletic, privileged white man.

“He had seen me as a body but would attempt to destroy me as a person”.

We discussed the resonance of these negative narratives towards women in other recent headlines, including the way Meghan Markle was portrayed, the links to racism in the media depictions of her, also felt clear.

We thought about the Amber Heard and Jonny Depp trial, how two traumatised people were depicted very differently, the image of her painted as ‘crazy’ and how this label is used by society for women only.

All the responsibility & none of the power

Chanel’s story highlighted perfectly, how as women we are given all the responsibility of male behaviour towards us and yet none of the power. So we have adapted and internalised this responsibility, silently caging ourselves for our own safety.

We discussed the ways we have (now) subconsciously often diminished ourselves as women in society, in order to stay safe, to remain unseen, to not have to interact with societies narratives around us:

• We remain quiet about our experiences, holding them in our bodies so that the status quo is remained and we are not further harmed by the reality of the events around us.

• We suppress our intellectualism and ‘dumb down’ to reduce the potential that others are threatened by us.

• Our clothing is adapted and made ‘appropriate’

• Our movements and behaviours are self-monitored, we don’t dare walk around alone at night, not out of fear of wild animals but our fellow humans.

• Fawn, the adapted stress response is adopted when we meet strangers, we don’t want to annoy a potentially violent person.

Who benefits from the systems in our societies

One of the big questions that came up is who benefits from the systems, like the justice system around us.

The statistics around sexual violence cases are shocking. In the UK in 2021 only 1 in 100 recorded rapes resulted in a prosecution and we have to remember those are the ones that are recorded, most are not.

We considered the judicial system, it’s purpose, creation and operation. How this impacted Chanel and how in ways, her position was taken advantage of as she was unprotected, misinformed and represented unequally compared to the financial and political power Brock could muster.

The final sentence he received for destroying her life was 6 months, an insult and he also showed no growth or personal responsibility or remorse, identifying himself as a victim rather than owning his power of choice and responsibility.

We considered the other patriarchal systems Chanel and all women are subjected to in many societies and cultures including but not exclusive to the medical system, education system, all of which impacted her story.

beginnings in endings

Chanel’s attack and rape was the end of one story and chapter in her life but like a phoenix, she rose and found a way to share her voice, name and authenticity with the world, giving voice to millions of women through the #metoo movement, as she rose.

We reflected that more than her rape, she has immense skills as a writer and great courage of character as a woman. My claiming herself in her own story, she shifted the focus from her rapist to Chanel Miller’s narrative, one that the world needed to hear.

We considered what we would be taking away, too.

When we see one woman rise, we feel the power within ourselves to do the same. We rise together with men and need the consciousness to shift for all, the impact of toxic masculinity impacts men as well, as we see in the male suicide rates.

In this blog and conversations we have spoken about gender and sexuality in binary terms but acknowledge that is a spectrum and in recognising the invisibility we feel as women, we must acknowledge the invisibility and powerlessness of those not spoken about in our narrative here, too.

questions for personal reflection

• What was your relationship to this book, did it resonate?

• What drew you in, what pushed you away?

• Where did this book impact you in your body, how?

• Have you diminished yourself as a woman to feel safe in society?

  • How have you done this?

• Do you feel safe to be seen in your life story?

Resources and inspiration

Jackson Katz on shifting the narrative regarding male violence towards women Ted Talk: Violence Against Women It’s a Men’s Issue

Maya Angelou Still I Rise to inspire the phoenix in our feminity

Chanel Miller’s website and work

Get inspired with women’s voices through song with our Spotify Playlist