Woman tree book club reads - Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman
“The story centres on Eleanor Oliphant, a social misfit with a traumatic past who becomes enamoured with a singer, whom she believes she is destined to be with. The novel deals with themes of isolation and loneliness, and depicts Eleanor's transformational journey towards a fuller understanding of self and life.” - Goodreads
September’s Woman Tree Book Club read was one that was ‘on the list’ for most of us, tentatively approaching it, in case the hype didn’t translate into reality.
Eleanor Oliphant did not disappoint, filled with humour and heartbreak, we were taken on an intimate journey into Eleanor’s being and her world. From loneliness to the power of human connection, from the safety of fantasy to the complexity of reality and the nature of what it means to have our own stories, deep within us.
Favourite parts
At the beginning, we all felt our walls go up as we heard Eleanor’s inner judgements created our own about her but for all of us, we became more intimate with her, we found ourselves shifting into warmth towards her. This was a subtle shift and not one that had an obvious moment of change but was a pleasant part of the book as readers, one of a growing intimacy with Eleanor and her story.
Without offering spoilers, there were some moments we found engaging, entertaining and had some resonance for us all (if you know, you know):
The Bobbi Brown make-up counter experience, from not understanding who Bobbi was, to ‘being more likely to buy nuclear grade plutonium’ than the rest of the make-up used. We could all find experiences in our own lives of such moments!
The giving of her name at the coffee shop was another favourite moment, an intrusion we have all felt alongside Eleanor’s earnest need ‘to not tell lies’ juxtaposed with Raymond’s perspective of it being okay to tell small lies in context. We could see Eleanor’s mind shifting as she started to engage the world more flexibly, from a place of internal safety.
The power of relationships & connection
The whole book is a testament to the power of human connection for growth and integration, as an antidote to the loneliness many feel. These are universal needs and we experienced our own journeys with these through Eleanor’s personal one.
We all enjoyed the relationship between Raymond and Eleanor and whilst some of us wanted it to develop romantically, we felt satisfied and safe with the depth of the friendship that allows Eleanor to connect and experience love, without there being heartbreaking conditions attached to it.
Sammy’s jumper and her growing capacity to receive another was one that warmed our hearts. Sammy’s character represents Eleanor’s world expanding externally and this allowing her world to expand internally
Reality vs Fantasy
Fantasy can be an escape from the pressure and pain of reality and in Eleanor’s world fantasy around love is one of the drivers of her story.
We all felt relieved that the story didn’t cross too many boundaries, instead the lines were explored in Eleanor’s inner world.
The slow but heartbreaking shifts Eleanor makes from fantasy to reality also represent her growing awareness of the world, herself in it and an acceptance of her life and story.
This is something we can all learn from in some ways, to truly experience of the discomfort of living in reality, rather than escaping from it with substances, fluffy socialising or fantasies.
Women
The roles of women were explored particularly through motherhood and the various voices of mothering from Eleanor’s own mother, to Raymond’s mother and the contrasts between these.
The other women Eleanor mainly encounters are those she meets at the beautician’s, hairdressers, shops and her interactions with those expand her own social experience of being a women.
What challenged us
The descriptions around her breakdown were so well written and visceral, they were hard to bear and in some spaces triggering.
In the end we all warmed to Eleanor but we were all women and recognised parts of ourselves in some points of her journey.
What if Eleanor had been a man? Would we have felt the same way about her? Our initial feeling was no, had Eleanor been a man we would have felt her thoughts and behaviour as more threatening or violent. This assumption, filled with social bias and narratives, as well as lived experiences was one for us all to ponder.
A Man’s Perspective (with thanks to jeff s for contributing)
First, I loved the way the book covered neurodiversity (for lack of a better word) from a _woman's_ point of view. The other books I've read on the topic ('Curious Incident', 'There's something about Kevin' etc) are from a man's perspective, at least in terms of the experience of the neurodivergent person in the book.
A second point was the empathetic look it provided at why people (and in this case a woman) who react differently (rudely, aggressively, etc) might be doing so not out of malice but because of how trauma has impacted the way they view - and interact with - the world. Since finishing, I have thought of the book multiple times when processing people's behaviour on the tube, in the office, etc. A third point is how beautifully the book exposed the silliness and illogic of certain social conventions (bringing gifts, showing up on time to parties, office behaviour - to name a few) when looked at dispassionately and in their most literal sense. I loved how the book described the illogic of this - brilliant on the part of the author.
The final point is how the book resonated with me personally. I have said for the best part of a decade that I felt (pardon the expression - I am not being insensitive - somewhat on the spectrum in terms of how I interact with people. I don't necessarily think I was born this way, but 10 years of near complete social isolation, combined with highly fearful, controlling parents stripped me of the ability to read people, understand social conventions, moderate my emotional responses in line with social expectations, and function semi-automatically without having to constantly work hard to understand interpersonal and group dynamics and react appropriately. I was already disadvantaged in this regard due to my childhood, before moving to Belgium where I had to navigate 2 new and completely different cultural and linguistic settings (think German vs France) on a daily basis - and doing this without any kind of solid foundation based on past life experience. For years, when I'd sit in a meeting room at work for a meeting I'd struggle to focus because my head was full of conversations put there by parents and teachers about men and women being alone in close proximity (to name just one thought pattern) which made it nearly impossible to focus on the task at hand. It nearly drove me crazy, and while Eleanor's experience was very different, I could really relate to a lot of the inner chatter in her mind - which again was beautifully narrated by the author.
All in all it was a great book
Take-aways
These are our main take-aways from the book:
It’s never too late
Don’t under-estimate the power of connection
The right connections feel safe and allow for the natural state of interdependency and community
You can be loved for who you are
You are allowed your story and your journey
From being a book that was ‘on the shelf’ unread to a book we would all recommend (with potential trigger warnings) and definitely read again, our own journey with this book reflects in many ways Eleanor’s journey within herself.
What are your thoughts and reflections on this book? Please share…
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